Devin Cho’s Drunken Hollywood

Hello.  My name is Devin Cho, the gossip and rumor monger here at EXPO Weekly.  Lately, EXPO Weekly readers have written me to say that they don’t get enough of my beautiful face in my blogs.  You don’t have to ask me twice!  Here I am, in all my glory:

This week, I’ve decided to turn my attention to an epidemic in young Hollywood: public intoxication.  Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing I love more than some sloshed starlet slurring as shutterbugs snap their sorry asses (it paid for my summer house in Sayreville) that shit is getting out of hand.  And I’m looking at YOU, Lindsay Lohan.

It’s like you’ve given up making movies to concentrate full-time on making a mess of yourself.  I LOVED Mean Girls, Lindsay!  I wish you would get it together and make a sequel, or — WHOOPS!

Are you all right?  What am I saying, of COURSE you aren’t all right.  You need HELP.  And I don’t mean help up off the gravelly ground there, but help getting yourself back on track!  It’s not too late.  Start taking care of yourself and someone, somewhere will notice, and be happy to extend a hand to you . . .

See?  Things are already looking up.  You should really try to be more like that Christina Ricci.  Now THERE’S a child actress who’s managed to segue into a career as an adult, and — WHOOPS!

Aw, DAMN, Christina Ricci!  There I was, in the middle of making a point about you being a good example of a former child star who has her shit together as a grown woman and here you are making me look foolish.

But not as foolish as you look.  What happened?  No, don’t tell me.  I think I can guess.  Career not going so well lately, am I right?  That one movie where you had the pig nose, or whatever the hell that was, didn’t exactly light up the Box Office, did it?  But drunk and disorderly conduct?  You’re better than that.  Not EVERYONE hated Black Snake Moan.

Maybe you should make a movie with Lindsay Lohan.  Actually, scratch that.  You two together is a friggin’ accident waiting to happen.  I know, you should make a Rom-Com with that adorable Kristen Bell, now THERE’S a — WHOOPS!

Now THIS one . . . this one really comes as a bit of a shock.  I loved you in Veronica Mars.  And Heroes. And who could forget Forgetting Sarah Marshall?  NOW do you see what I mean about it being an epidemic?  Come to think of it, Couples Retreat really was something of a stinker.  If I’d had anything to do with it, I’d probably need a drink myself.

Wait, Kristen . . . where are you GOING?

Oh, wow.  Right into the fountain, huh?  Classy.  See, I’m beginning to think that’s what’s REALLY wrong with young Hollywood today.  It’s lost that sense of class and sophistication.  We need an actress who knows how to conduct herself like a lady, you know?  Someone respectable, that holds our attention but always carries herself with dignity.  Like an anchorwoman, or something.  Yeah.  Like Diane Sawyer, or, or Katie Couric and — WHAAAT?!?

No.  It can’t be.  I — I refuse to believe it.  I refuse to believe my eyes.  Katie Couric?  I mean, I know the ratings for the CBS Evening News haven’t been very — Katie Couric?  There has to be some MISTAKE . . .

This is a FIRST, ladies and gentlemen.  Devin Cho is at a loss for words.  Wowsers.

Ah, well.  She’s kind of got some MOVES, though.  Work it, girl.

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