Technology That Sucks: A Mario Exposé
Captain’s Blog Stardate 312730.7688990361
You all know I live and breathe silicon, terabytes, microwaves and throughput. I feel blessed to be in this age of rapidly improving cutting edge technology. I can walk around with my entire music collection in my shirt pocket, make a video phone call to my cousin in Miami for free, and a simple idea like google can help bring the world together (China excluded). But if there is one thing that kills my futuristic high, it’s lame ass technology. Tech designed from the ground up by imbeciles with the sole purpose of irking the crap out of me. Geeks, I give you my personal list of…
Parking meters are not designed to take your quarters, they’re designed to take
your dollars. When you miss dropping that quarter into the meter by a few mins,
you can get a ticket of up to $50. That’s 200x the value of the quarter! Why doesn’t
the city just ticket and bill you for the 25 cents? And why is it a federal offense to
assault a traffic cop?
25 Foot Retractable Dog Leashes
Letting your dog run loose without a leash is illegal in many cities. So some bastard
invents a 25 foot leash so dogs can run around great distances from their owners.
The cord on these things is so thin, you can’t see it at night. I’ve tripped over them
a few times during my late night walks in the park, but I was comforted by the fact
that the little furry guy was choked by his collar for a brief second.
ATMs that keep your card
Seriously, WTF? Is this a patent issue? Why do some ATM machines eat your card
while others just let you swipe it? How many times have you left your card in the
machine after you get your cash out? You’re there to get cash, and once cash is in
your hands you’re thinking about the cash and how you’re going to spend it, not
thinking about the card at all, and you just walk away…
Grabbing Machines aka “The Claw”
A great way to get kids into gambling at an early age is “The Claw”. Pay some money
to play a very loosely based skill game, in the hopes you will win a much bigger
value prize, such as a pack of cigarettes. The claw mechanism is designed to screw
you, as it has the grip of my grandma’s arthritis ridden toes lathered in Vaseline.
If you ever do win, it’s because you played it about a hundred times in a row and
eventually got lucky. In the end, you spent way more gambling with this reject
NASA technology than the damn prize is worth. “Smoke up Johnny!”
The Spork. It’s a fork and a spoon rolled into one right? Wrong!
It’s a crappy fork, and a crappy spoon rolled into one crappy utensil.
It doesn’t do either job well. It doesn’t spear your food well like a fork does.
And unlike a spoon, it doesn’t scoop things up like cereal or soup very well.
The liquid just spills right through the fork portion!
What does it do well? It teaches our children about mediocrity every day
in grammar school cafeterias.
iTunes Sync Feature
Way to take a great piece of hardware (iPod/iPhone) and cripple it with software.
I speak of iTunes, the single worst piece of software ever designed.
If you’ve ever seen this message you’ll instantly know why I’m an angry person.
“The iPod is synced with another iTunes library.
Do you want to erase this iPod and sync with this iTunes library?”
In what Bizzaro world universe would anyone want to do this to their iPod?
Here are some typical scenarios familiar to millions of iPod/iPhone users that just
make my bowels churn.
You’re at home. You want to add just 12 new photos to your iPhone, which already
has 4,500 photos on it. iTunes Sync begins to backup ALL the files on your iPhone.
Did you ask it to backup your files? Of course not. Then iTunes Sync proceeds to
erase ALL 4,500 photos off your device, then RE-COPIES 4,500 photos, plus the
12 new photos, which takes about 15mins to do! Why didn’t it just copy the 12 new
photos onto my iPhone?
You’re at work developing a shiny new porn app for the App Store. You copy the
app onto your iPod to test it. iTunes Sync proceeds to copy every single app off
your iPod, all 163 of them, before it copies your single app, killing precious porn
app testing time.
You’re at your buddy’s house with your brand new iPad that you spent your rent
money on. You want to download some new Apps using iTunes on his computer
because he’s on welfare and can’t afford WiFi. So you connect your iPad to his P.O.S.
computer and it says “this computer is not authorized to install apps on iPad”
Seriously, WTF !? Am I renting this device? I thought I paid cash for it.
I thought I owned it. Why are you trying to control me Steven? Why ?!!
Get out of my life!
Next week I’ll continue my series of Technology That Sucks!
Until then…Live Briefly and Fail.